Who Doesn't Want to be a Phoenix?

The best experiences are often born from fear.

It has taken me a very long time to admit how much of my life my eating disorder controls.
I am creating this blog as a means to my final and lasting recovery.
The fear part is that the blog is public, which means anybody can know my failures and successes.
There is a lot of trepidation that comes along with knowing all you have to do is read this blog to know very personal, very embarrassing facts about me, but part of my recovery is that I must be honest and forthright.
In the ED community it is a well known fact that these disorders flourish in darkness. They thrive on secrecy and shame, and are most successful when feeding into themselves the wicked cycle of fear/anxiety/coping/disordered behavior/self shame/secrecy/fear.

I look at that cycle and I feel cold. There is something so lonely about the ways we abuse ourselves be it drug addiction, food addiction, restriction, self harm, etc. The disorder loves its solitude. It knows that when we are surrounded by a loving and supportive community, it has much less control over both our mental and our physical compulsions.

I will not use this first entry to tell you my full story. It will reveal itself over the course of this blog, as I struggle to maintain a healthy lifestyle free from obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

All you need to know is this:

My name is Jess.
I am thirty two years old, and I have been struggling with disordered eating in various manifestations since I was nineteen. Thirteen is a lucky number to me, so I think thirteen years is too long for this to have played such a consuming part of my life. I am creating this blog to share my struggles both through recovery, and the traumas of my past, that still feed into the hold these behaviors have over my life.
I do not feel like sharing my stats with the blog at this time, but I may change my mind in the future.
Suffice to say, I am five foot eight, and I identify as female. I am married to a gorgeous, spooky, wonderful man, and we have no children as of yet, although we would like to begin our family at some point in the next couple of years.
I work full time managing the retail staff of an artisan bakery.
I am also a full time grad student working on my MFA in Creative Writing through a prestigious low residency program. I am currently halfway through my first semester of four.
I see no reason for religion to take up any space on this blog, and I have no desire to discuss my theological beliefs here, but I reserve the right to reference holidays as they pertain to my experiences, and any rituals, attendances, or experiences I have of a religious nature as they affect my journey through recovery.

I make these two promises:
Nothing will be omitted.
Everything I write will be true.
Only by documenting my truth will I be able to build a pyre of the old, negative energies which have fed this disorder for so many years.
Help me set a match to this kindling by only sharing supportive, positive, and helpful stories and information here.
Shaming, critical, or bullying commentary will be immediately deleted and contributors of such will be banned.
I want everyone to feel safe here.

Finally, I want to share a short list of blogs that I go to almost once a day every day, for supportive stories, rants, articles, and movements by incredibly talented and awesome women with their own experiences with disordered eating.


http://www.themilitantbaker.com/

http://brittanyherself.com/

http://www.hungryrunnergirl.com/

http://margaretcho.com/2003/11/06/the-fuck-it-diet/

http://www.virgietovar.com/

http://sadienardini.com/

I should probably warn you that this will not be your typical well thought out, incredibly edited, fancy-type blog.
I am definitely going to say "fuck" a lot.
I am probably going to post recipes that I like, along with weird connected feelings I have to those recipes.
There will probably be some triggering posts at one point or another, but I promise to warn you ahead of time, so you can decide for yourself if you want to come down the rabbit hole with me.
I might post the odd picture. I'm still very new at this whole blog-o-shpiel so it could take a while before this blog looks like anything other than the rambling scribbles of an over-sharer.

All I can say is thank you for being here.
Thanks for showing up and throwing down your old, dried up, no longer useful fear and worry and anxiety because we're gonna throw it on the fire. We're gonna feed it to the flames.
We're gonna scream and whoop and possibly dance naked (yes...I am the naked friend, everybody has one, and I know it's me), and we are going to get this poison out of our systems because we deserve to live and love and laugh with wild abandon!

I am ready to rise.
Come with me.