Adieu 2014

Dear 2014,

What can I say that I haven't already beaten bloody with my fists or hammered against a wall, throttled in a bathtub, or kicked to death in an alleyway at two o'clock in the morning with only a blind homeless man as witness?

You sucked.

You sucked in ways I had previous dreamed impossible.
You fostered in me a neurotic condition I have harbored all my life, but only under your tender care did it blossom into the full blown psychosis I am currently losing control of.
Because of you I stopped sleeping, and when I did, I had nightmares of such emotional power that upon waking, I would resist going back to sleep for fear of their waiting embrace.
I lost hope in you.
I was devastated in you.
You robbed me of time and enjoyment, resources and health, and you elicited from me more tears than a year has any right to.

But thanks anyway.

Thanks for sucking because without this year, I would not know what I can survive, and at what point I finally put my foot down and say, enough!

Goddamnit ENOUGH!

I held friends this year while they were scared and I told them what I couldn't tell myself.
I learned that you can miss someone so much when they're right in front of you that you can't wait until they move to the other side of the world, so you don't feel quite so bad about missing them anymore.
I learned I cannot eat my weight in anything anymore and feel okay the morning after.
I learned that as much as I hate 152 pounds, I don't die when I weigh this much. My man still thinks I'm sexy, and I can still make new friends, wear backless dresses, and take full length selfies.
I learned I can rock red lipstick with the best of them.
I learned that Boston Ballet is an experience everyone should have. It is spellbinding and magical, and I love my Mum so much, but goddammit they NEVER take you off their mailing list, and it is a BITCH.
I learned that I like getting tattooed so much more than I ever thought I would, and my toru kamei backpiece is a real thing that is going to happen.
I learned that I can still dance all night.
I learned how to make black bean brownies. They are delicious.
I learned to love my weird, greying hair, even as I am dyeing it, and especially once I stopped brushing it.
I learned I can do yoga for ten years, and still learn something new.
I learned I can start making a baby inside me, and that if something isn't right, my body can stop that process, and get rid of the evidence because it knows what it's doing, and always has.
I learned I am ready to be a mother.
I learned that I put everyone's needs, wants, and comforts before my own. Every time.
I learned that juicing is fun and pretty and awesome.
I learned how to kayak out on the open ocean.
I learned I could go back to school, and still not feel like part of the group, even ten years down the road, even as an adult, even in a program specifically designed for me, I can feel like an outsider.
I learned I can run the 15 miles between my front door and the singing beach after two months training, and a shit load of hard work.
I learned I can schedule the fuck out of my life when I need to.
I learned how to trade cookies for wine, and to feel even more at home in my weird little witchy city when it is overrun by tourists and trailers and buskers and shot callers.
I learned that I can't push myself too far without there being serious consequences, and that my body is not as young as it used to be. Sometimes you have to rest and be alone with your pain and that is when you are the most scared and possibly the worst company you ever had, but that you might learn the most from yourself.
I learned that as one of three sisters, we still possess extraordinary powers when together.
I learned how to read tarot for strangers, on a ship, as it plunges radically through jarring waves and freezing spray. I learned I am much better at it than I thought I was.
I learned I still have no self control when faced with halloween candy.
I learned there is so much for books yet to teach me.
I learned that sometimes the rockshow is better than church, but a rockstar is never a god, and it is important to grip his hand and thank him like a person, and then let go.
I learned that when something hurts, my instincts are still to bury it in food, and sometimes alcohol, but mostly company, and even when knee deep in all three, real grief will still find you and set you back in your place, and remind you how broken you are.
I learned that sometimes you need to review your year, step back, and let it go, let it all go...
The anger
the hurt
the disappointment
the worry
the pain
the sleepless nights
the guilt
the mistakes
the loneliness
were all lessons.

And now you have the opportunity to be the wiser of them, to take them, and journey forward.
To be free
and
begin
again.